Why Do I Substack?
(Non-Business Related Reasons)
Most important reason: Because the last 3 months of transitioning out of the CEO role of a document translation company in Boston called Blaine & Gonzalez, LLC was SUPER hard.
My identity blew apart in like 32 places and it was really painful.
I didn’t know who I was for a while.
On top of that, my 8 year old daughter with a speech delay disability decided to turn into a Feral Halfling Thief, Level 22 with a 25 Strength and a Vorpal Dagger of WTAF
My wife, who is normally the most confident professor at Brandeis (IMO), decided to morph into a 13 year old girl because she was having trouble establishing respect boundaries with her daughter.
I, usually hardly EVER much of a drinker over the past 15 years at all, spent 90 days not on a BENDER, but like drinking a six pack of vodka seltzers every night to drown out the confusion which of course caused MORE confusion.
Then I decided to get OFF THE BOOZE because it wasn’t helping me at all and I started to feel better fast b/c my body recovers quickly from that since I take a lot of nature walks.
And then I can’t even REMEMBER who gave me the name “Substack” or the website address but I ended up here, like a drunk frat guy wandering out of a bar luckily back to his dorm.
And then I met
, this guy who calls himself “The Growth Hacker” and was blown away. Why?Because I went to a #1-Ranked PhD Program in Spanish Literature at Vanderbilt University from 2007-2009 and dropped out to start that document translation company I was CEO of.
I know ALOT about Literature. Like If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me, but I am going to try. Here we go.
I’ve read over 4,000 books in 3 languages since 1995 to now.
I can speak 3 languages fluently and write in them.
One of my professional mentors is an 85 year old man who curates art exhibits at El Prado in Madrid.
I’ve won amateur writing contests and have had actors from 101 Dalmatians from Broadway act out my writing in non-profit theater plays in California.
I used to do LARPing with an organization called NERO (New England Role Playing) back before half of you knew what D&D was.
I’ve played D&D since 1984.
And I’ve also traveled to 23 countries on my own dime with the sole purpose of learning things about the world.
And I’ve met world leaders and also worked for an Embassy.
Been a Casino Pit Boss.
Invited to teach at Belmont Hill School in Belmont, MA, one of the most prestigious boy’s prep academies.
& More.
And all that USED TO MATTER A LOT to me.
And then:
My Mom Died.
And My Dad started getting Dementia.
And my brother’s wife had a nervous breakdown because the Founder of her company here in Boston are total YAMBAGS who have no idea how to lead anything and they fucked over all their people in a really bad way.
And then I hosted this kids birthday party at my house and I was serving food for like 20 people.
And they were all highly accomplished professionals from banking, nursing, academia and other important sectors around Boston.
And then I had a total nervous breakdown and existential crisis one night and ended up hospitalized for BURN-OUT for the THIRD TIME in 15 years.
And that was ON TOP OF an assault that gave me PTSD
And being in Honduras 4x as a medical interpreter and having machine guns pointed at me
And being WRONGFULLY TERMINATED 6 times in my professional life prior
And having $60,000 stolen from me and going to RECOVER IT SUCCESSFULLY myself without help from the police or USE OF A FIREARM OR VIOLENCE**
And while I was laying there in the HOSPITAL BED at Winchester Hospital in my HOMETOWN of Winchester, MA, there was this Security Guard named Mike.
He was this really nice 65 year old man and he had a very thick Boston Accent.
He was talking to his WIFE on the phone and they were discussing some trip to New York.
After he hung up, Mike and I ended up talking about how SCARY it can be to drive from Boston to New York over the George Washington Bridge.
And he had this smile about him that was extraordinarily kind.
The doctors came up to me and tested me for a few BIPOLAR-ISH things and determined that I was alright.
I had just had a REALLY BADLY BUSY DAY and so they said “Why don’t you stay here in the Hospital one night and if you want you can go home tomorrow?”
And so I said “Sure.”
And I called my wife. (They let me keep my phone.) And I let her know what was happening.
So then I was given some ATAVAN and I went right to sleep and woke up the next day and Mike the Security Guard was still there around 6AM.
He said “Hey Buddy.”
I said “Hey Mike. What time is it?”
He said “About 6AM”
I said “Is there anything to eat?”
He said “Would you like me to get you some eggs?”
I said: “Yeah, and some OJ and coffee too, if possible?”
He said: “Yah. Be right back.”
And as Mike walked away and the Atavan wore off and I started to feel much better from ONE NIGHT OF SOLID SLEEP away from the PRESSURES OF BEING A CEO, BEING A DAD, and HELPING MANAGE A FAMILY AND TWO PROPERTIES AROUND BOSTON AT THE SAME TIME, the FIRST CLEAR THOUGHT I HAD IN AGES ECHOED THROUGH MY MIND:
“Fuck this shit.”
“This shit” = Trying to KEEP UP with all of it…
I am 46. I was going to KILL MYSELF if Kept Trying to be Captain America Braggy Pants.
Plus, when you are a LEADER, you are LONELY.
You can’t REALLY be anyone’s FRIEND.
And I missed being people’s FRIEND. In my company and in my LIFE.
Everything I was saying read like a goddamned RESUME item.
And I was missing my wife and I was not making sense sometimes when I spoke because my PRIORITIES had become so far fucked out of whack and it was ALL MY FAULT because I should have known better.
And so, the SUBSTACK WEIRDNESS of this story?
Is that about THREE WEEKS ago, I went to the Board of B&G, LLC and I tendered my resignation.
They gave me an INCREDIBLE exit package.
And I earned it too. 15 years of being a CEO at one firm is a life accomplishment for anyone, so I am proud of myself for delivering good service to the Team, Clients, and Shareholders.
I was a TRULY good Boss and people gave me a FOND FAIR THEE WELL, PICK.
It was really awesome and some of us totally will keep in touch as friends.
So, that word….
FRIENDS
FRIENDS
FRIENDS
The tough part of life for Middle Aged Men can be that we just don’t HAVE any friends.
Especially if we take on some kind of Leadership Project like I had for SO LONG.
Wanna hear the really fucked up part?
2010 was 15 years ago.
15 YEARS felt like one long WEEK with all that action.
And the ACTION was COOL AS HELL.
But…
When you are going at MACH 12 for 15 years building a company, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR….
You just might end up like me and you LOSE TIME and feel CONFUSED sometimes, not in a mental health way, but in like a “Do I still live here on EARTH?” way because you were HYPER-FOCUSED for so long, kinda like an ASTRONAUT on the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION on ONE JOB for SO LONG and responsible for the outcomes for a whole team of up to 200 people.
So what is my NON-BUSINESS RELATED REASON for being here:
PEACE.
And to be able to EXPRESS MYSELF the way I WANT for a while: good bad and ugly.
We all know how American society works.
Political Correctness.
Political Polarization.
This means that.
That means this.
We all know it’s all BULLSHIT.
But we also all DO IT.
Which is WEIRD.
But we don’t know anything else.
And so sometimes we have to SEEK SOLACE in places unknown
In dark, weird corners with people who hide out under street lights
Because maybe that’s the one thing left that makes us all American….
Is we are all always HIDING from ourselves all the time and we HIDE so MUCH
Until we don’t know who we are any more
And then we look around and then the whole country is SPLIT IN HALF
and NOBODY has any answers
And it’s all TOTALLY FUCKED UP
And that’s OK
It’s OK that it’s all so fucked up and bad and wrong
Because WE are not fucked up.
IT is.
The IT of America.
The MACHINE OF IT.
YOU, reading this.
YOU are not fucked up.
I AM NOT FUCKED UP.
Put your hand on the screen
My hand is on the other side, scared of the SAME THINGS.
Just sit there for 30 seconds with your hand on the screen.
Then listen to this song.
I tried to be Secretary of Education you guys.
The story is REALLY TRUE.
I put 15 years and SO MUCH EFFORT INTO IT.
And I FAILED.
I didn’t make it.
And then Trump put Linda McMahon in.
The woman is a JOKE.
Even she knows that.
And so I am here and I met some people I really enjoy as people.
And I want to thank this whole community for welcoming me as a FRIEND.
Especially
.I spent a lot of time, believe it or not, maybe in different circles, but NOT BEING SEEN.
And George SAW ME.
And that mere act of being SEEN BY GEORGE
SNAPPED ME OUT OF MY STATE OF HURT.
And now I am here on Substack doing the closest equivalent to TEACHING that I have done since 2013 when that awful girl Brea hit me in the back of the head with a BRICK as when I was working as a teacher, giving me
PTSD
DEGENERATIVE NERVE DAMAGE FOR LIFE
CAUSING ME TO WALK WITH A MEDICALLY PRESCRIBED CANE
I did not actually ever get APPOINTED to a White House Cabinet as Secretary of Education, but I came CLOSER than any other human being who is NOT from a BILLIONAIRE FAMILY maybe in the HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.
And so what I here to say is simply this:
I would have done SUCH a better job for you and your families, Republican and Democrat alike, that that NIGHTMARE of a person, Linda McMahon.
Betsy Davos? REALLY?
WTF?
Anyways…. Thanks for reading and I really appreciate everyone here who has taken the time to speak with me and for being so kind and welcoming this community.
I am not a CEO anymore.
I am not a guy working overtime leveraging every resource he has to be the HERO of Public Education anymore.
I am Justin Pickering, the same guy I was when I started the whole adventure, but maybe wiser and with some SERIOUS DINGS to my body.
The BLESSING of it all? My BUSY MIND (Bipolar Stuff) is all OK somehow.
And for those of you who’ve heard my story believe in GOD in any form, then I guess that’s GOD IN OUR LIFE, meaning some WILDLY INEXPLICABLE thing has happened.
What I am MOST GRATEFUL FOR from the whole experience is that it gave me an UNPARALLELED SENSE OF RESILIENCE, which, in my humble opinion, speaking as one man alone, is far to have than STRENGTH.
STRENGTH fades and becomes useless.
RESILIENCE is FOREVER.
And if I can ever help ANYONE here with RESILENECE for whatever life quest they are on in an unpaid and totally zero-cost way, well I USED TO BE A TEACHER so….
Open Offer.
Finally to close off the post, a poem I hope you all appreciate as much as me. This is one of my favorites of all time and it PERFECTLY SUMS UP MID-LIFE very well.
In closing, I am proud to share that I got to LIVE THIS POEM for 24 years.
And if I never do anything GREAT again in my PROFESSIONAL LIFE, so be it.
Amen.
Ulysses
1809 –1892
It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Matched with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel; I will drink
Life to the lees. All times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea. I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known—cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honored of them all,—
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untraveled world whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains; but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the scepter and the isle,
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfill
This labor, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and through soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centered in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.
There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail;
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toiled, and wrought, and thought with me,
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads—you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honor and his toil.
Death closes all; but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks;
The long day wanes; the slow moon climbs; the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
Image: I guess I’m the GHOST of TENNYSON :)
Cheers, Substack.
God Bless America.
God Bless Education.
And May the God or Goddess to Trans-God of your Understanding Bless all of you for listening to me RANT about ALL THAT BULLSHIT.
Cheers,
Pick :)
Pick, your voice carries the kind of hard-won wisdom that only comes from living all in. Thanks for reminding us that resilience isn’t about bouncing back, it’s about finding beauty in the broken and choosing to keep going anyway.